Hard Times
Here comes honesty at it's best. I have cried more in the last week than I have in YEARS! It has been almost daily, including while at my monthly visit with the doctor to check my weight. I thought surely with 25 pounds gone, this would be the cycle that there would be two line instead of one on the dreaded pee stick. But NOPE. just one line again. And with out being too graphic, lets just say the effort was defiantly put in on making the baby. And then before I could even go to CVS and buy the test I woke up one morning and found that again, it was not our turn. Doctors has assured me that getting healthy and losing weight was the ticket to my problems so why is this still so hard for us? Sitting in the room with the doctor as he handed me more and more tissues, he looked at me and said "Hannah, stop letting everyone tell you that when you stop worrying about it that it will happen because most of the people saying that to you have NO idea how it feels to be going through what you are going through. Just Pray. Find a hobby." "A hobby?" "Yes! You need to find something to do besides count calories and fat and think about not being pregnant. I'm writing a novel. That's my hobby. Instead of letting my thoughts go to all the worries that I have, I work on my novel. Find something to do that you will be interested in so that you can focus somewhere else and ignore everyone else that is telling you 'stop worrying' or 'it will happen when it's meant to happen'. You already know that and people saying that to you isn't helping." So- a hobby. Well, I love to sew but my stinking sewing machine messed up and with the monthly doctor's visits, I don't really have the extra cash flow to fix it. So what else is there. I like to cook but if I start in on that, we'll reverse all the progress with the weight loss. I HAVE NO CLUE....still, a week after the appointment and I still have no clue what my hobby is going to be.
Most of the time, I try not to have my crying melt downs around my husband. He is the best of all men but also hates for me to cry. And I know that he hates it so I usually make up some excuse to why I need to take a shower (most of the time I have already had one in the last 24 hours when the emotions hit) and just sit in the shower until it passes then get out and move on. Well, one day we were walking the dogs and I couldn't hold it in any more and just stood in the middle of the road with both the dogs on their leashes getting tangled as all get out, with Andrew standing there holding me will it is raining for at least 20-30 minutes. And just so the picture is completely painted, I don't just cry- it's usually an ugly cry. And I know this isn't a walk in the park for him either! He wants a little princess so bad! Already got her name picked out too. Already got plans for running off boys until she's 40. My Andrew- the absolute best, most perfect, loving man. Ever. It is just as disappointing to him as it is to me and I know that. I smile thinking about how adorable he is going to be holding his little baby and protecting them when ever God decides to bless us. He just holds me says "Hannah, we will have children. We will put all of extra money into this until we are holding a baby. If it takes $14,000 with IVF- we will do it. And if that doesn't work, will will adopt every child we can." He is as determined as me.
We're looking into PREG in Asheville to find out what we need to do with them to make this happen as well. My BMI is still 31 so the doctor told me last visit he wanted it in the 20s before he gave me Clomid to take as well as staying on the weight loss meds so we can keep trying and keep losing weight to get to my goal weight. So goal weight or pregnancy- which ever comes first.
Had another one of those moments where God reminds you he's there and listening this last month too. At work again too. I had music playing in the background like I always do and One Glorious Moment of Faith came on. I just cried. God is ALWAYS faithful. 1 John 5:14- And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask anything according to his will, he hearth us. We will keep praying, we will stay faithful. God is always listening and he hears our cries. He is always faithful.
Most of the time, I try not to have my crying melt downs around my husband. He is the best of all men but also hates for me to cry. And I know that he hates it so I usually make up some excuse to why I need to take a shower (most of the time I have already had one in the last 24 hours when the emotions hit) and just sit in the shower until it passes then get out and move on. Well, one day we were walking the dogs and I couldn't hold it in any more and just stood in the middle of the road with both the dogs on their leashes getting tangled as all get out, with Andrew standing there holding me will it is raining for at least 20-30 minutes. And just so the picture is completely painted, I don't just cry- it's usually an ugly cry. And I know this isn't a walk in the park for him either! He wants a little princess so bad! Already got her name picked out too. Already got plans for running off boys until she's 40. My Andrew- the absolute best, most perfect, loving man. Ever. It is just as disappointing to him as it is to me and I know that. I smile thinking about how adorable he is going to be holding his little baby and protecting them when ever God decides to bless us. He just holds me says "Hannah, we will have children. We will put all of extra money into this until we are holding a baby. If it takes $14,000 with IVF- we will do it. And if that doesn't work, will will adopt every child we can." He is as determined as me.
We're looking into PREG in Asheville to find out what we need to do with them to make this happen as well. My BMI is still 31 so the doctor told me last visit he wanted it in the 20s before he gave me Clomid to take as well as staying on the weight loss meds so we can keep trying and keep losing weight to get to my goal weight. So goal weight or pregnancy- which ever comes first.
Had another one of those moments where God reminds you he's there and listening this last month too. At work again too. I had music playing in the background like I always do and One Glorious Moment of Faith came on. I just cried. God is ALWAYS faithful. 1 John 5:14- And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask anything according to his will, he hearth us. We will keep praying, we will stay faithful. God is always listening and he hears our cries. He is always faithful.
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